Tuesday, Jul. 20, 2010 5:50 p.m.


I am so alone. :(

OMG, I get like this more often than not, lately. And I don't think that really anybody understands what I'm going through right now, except for maybe Stacy. I do believe that she has gone through something similar.

I feel totally lost. I feel like I'm in a rut w/ my marriage and we have been fighting quite a bit lately. I actually lost my confidence too. So much is going on right now with me and my marriage and my family that I feel utterly sick all the time and with different ailments. Right now, i have a stomachache.

I swear, I have been PMSing w/ my cycles now and it has been pretty bad. I'm finding it hard to separate between hormonal bitchiness and true irritation or anger. I don't know what to do!!

I almost feel like I was not cut out to be a stay at home mom. I'm a great mom, but I'm getting burned out from doing the same thing every single day. I try to do different things to have fun and change things up, but that doesn't last long when you have no money. My husband is making money, but it's not like we can really afford to have me out of work as well. Apparently, right now, the job market SUX and when I do find good jobs, I don't even get an interview?!?! I don't get it. I'm feeling bad about it. I have been getting very down on myself and occasionally get really depressed. Yesterday, Gabriella fell down on the carpet in the living room and hit her mouth on the floor. I thought it wasn't bad at all since I watched her fall, so I giggled while picking her up and telling her it was ok, but she started screaming! I was holding her and told her it was ok and when I pulled her off of me to check her mouth, she had lots of blood coming from her mouth and it completely freaked me out and took me by surprise! She cut her bottom lip and that thing can BLEED! I thought she had to have like a gash somewhere, but the time I had cleaned her up, it was her lower lip cut by her own teeth. I felt HORRIBLE!! I was right there but couldn't get to her in time. For some reason, once the situation was under control and I put her down for a nap, I broke down and completely lost it. I called Matt up crying my eyes out and he calmed me down, which was nice. It sort of made me feel like, I have ONE job right now and I didn't even do THAT right. And I don't get paid for this job, so staying at home is miserable when you can't go and DO things when you want. Also, it makes you feel like a prisoner in your own house!! In your own world! I have to ask for money or ask permission to do anything and that kills me. I need my independence back. I need my confidence back. :( I know I need a job, but I can't even get that and now I'm scared to death to even have an interview. I almost feel like I won't succeed in that anymore and I was AWESOME at interviews!! I was the shit and now I just feel like shit.

Don't get me wrong...I feel totally blessed that I got to raise my child for the first two years of her life and I totally wanted to do that! But my two year plan of taking care of her while going to school ALMOST came to fruition, but not quite. I can't finish my last 2 fucking classes that would let me get an internship because they are offered during the week for 13 hours per week and I NEED a babysitter for that time and I have NO money. I'm SO fucking upset about all of this. I feel like I'm so behind in my own life and my own plans. My back up plans didn't even work. SIGH

So, my husband walks through the door and proceeds to argue w/ me on something that he was not only CLEARLY wrong on, but I proved it to him HOW wrong he was. He admitted that he was wrong and then proceeded to tell me how I was ALSO wrong! WHAT THE FUCK?!?!! I seriously hate him sometimes. Why can't he let things GO. EVEN WHEN IT'S TRIVIAL he still won't let it go. Even when it's trivial AND he's wrong...nope. I refuse to let myself feel crazy because of this stupid shit, however, I can't take much more of this. I told him today via email (to avoid yelling AND to ensure I could get my whole point across w/out interruption) and he didn't even finish the email. I told him that something HAS to change or I can't live like this much longer. Something's gotta give and it either has to be his stubbornness or I will have to leave. I hate to talk about stuff like that because I love him so much and we are best friends. Lately, we haven't been best friends, which sux and we miss that, but we're in a rut and we know it. I needed to write this down. He better listen to me right now or I'm going to fall out of love w/ him.

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